Monday, September 28, 2009
I have a habit of researching ridiculously random topics. (Which habit has been dramatically fueled by the iPhone). A few topics that have been researched include
-ovarian transplants (only possible in identical twins)
-why Victorville, CA exists
-the effects of testosterone on a woman (SCARY!!!)
-the calorie count of the nachos at Baja Fresh
-the themed hotel at Bonnie Springs
-the story of how the Killers became a band and the height of each member of the band
-the starting year of the Cartoon Network
After sharing very important facts regarding the above topic with my friends, they started texting me with their own quandaries. Following are just a couple of actual texts received from my friends:
-"We are at a mets game and the crowd boos everytime an Atlanta Braves player named Chipper Jones comes to bat. Why?" -Tifani
-"How tall is Julia Childs?"- Christy
-"Is Helen Keller dead?"-Jacque
All of these questions were met with speedy, accurate answers, earning me the nickname of Cha Cha. Because like Tifani said, "I'd rather text you, the answers come faster, and they are funnier... "
So ha, take that cha cha, I win!!!
Monday, August 17, 2009
That is however until I discovered the genius of reality TV, especially of the dating variety.
Allow me to introduce the two most awkward, dramatic, self esteem sucking, brilliant reality TV shows out there for our viewing pleasure.
First is "Dating in the Dark". Where 3 men and 3 women live in a house completely separated from one another. The only place they are allowed to come together is in a dark room (hence the name). This room is so pitch black they literally can't see their hands in front of their faces. And so have to get to know the other people in the house judging only by personality, and also the groping they claim helps them know what the other person "looks" like. Over the coarse of about a week, they can communicate by email or IM with the people in the house asking each other on dates in the dark room. They go on multiple dates and finally chose one person they would like to have revealed in the light. The show claims to answer the age old question "is love really blind?", by making these people form relationships without ever seeing one another. One girl said just before the big reveal "I've been making out with this guy for a week now, I hope he's not a troll". And after finding out that in fact he did resemble a character from Lord of the Rings, said "I guess I'm superficial, and I'm totally okay with that!"
Once they have seen the person they have been "dating in the dark", in the light, (which by the way is really awkward because they can't talk or see the reaction of the person who is looking at them) they can decide to either meet up on the balcony to continue the relationship or leave through the front door and walk down a super steep extremely long drive way (which I must add, definitely adds a dramatic effect) to search out their own true love sans the help of reality TV.
I really can't imagine anything worse than thinking I have a real connection with someone until they see me and decide that in fact they don't ever want to talk to me again... Brilliant ABC
Number two has been totally and completely misnamed by FOX... and therefore has been renamed by my friends and I as "The Fat Bachelor".
In this show 20 buxom beauties compete over the love of one man who claims to like "big girls". In the first episode as each girl was being introduced at the bottom of the screen was a little description of the girl, including her name, job, height, and yes, weight. And let's just say the BMI of these girls was not falling into the "healthy" 20-25 range nor dare I say even the "overweight"25-29 range.
I'm not even sure where to begin with the dramatics of this series. First of all pretty much every single one of these women should be in counseling. They all blame their single hood on "being a bigger girl" (a phrase I've heard no less than 2700 times so far, i.e "I know I'm a bigger girl..." or "because I'm a bigger girl...") One of the girls had never been on a date, ever. Another had never been on a second date. Yet here they are throwing themselves at the fat bachelor like he is the only guy that will ever look at them again. These girls cry constantly, profess their love after one date, and are more desperate than I even knew was possible (except for Bonnie, she was kind of normal). I think what truly makes this show AMAZING is the fact that these women have the self esteem of an acne prone, pubescent, 13 year old boy, yet they are setting themselves up for the ultimate rejection. I honestly think it might put some of them over the edge when they end up going home, cause really he can only keep one...
Two last observations because this is getting too long...
1. Dear fat girls, I know you think that the only reason that guys don't like you is because you're fat, but maybe you should check out your personalities, because no one wants to be with a blubbering, gossiping, negative, only talk about myself, and talk with my mouth full chick, regardless of her dress size...
2. The only thing I think could possibly be better than theses shows separately would be combining them. Imagine Fat Dating in the Dark... If that can't dash whatever shred of self worth these girls had left, I don't know what could. Plus seriously how trashy of a show would that be?!
Monday, May 11, 2009
-it's acceptable to strip down to nothing but your underwear and run in your sprinklers in the front yard when it's hot outside
-people think it's cute when you say ridiculous things
-if you fall asleep somewhere someone will either cover you up or carry you to a bed
-if you look dirty or unkempt it's a reflection on your parents, nobody blames you
-if church is boring you just have to make enough noise, and someone will take you outside
-daily nap time
-fast food play places and summer camps
-since no one wants to wait for you to walk from point A to point B, and your legs would get too tired anyway, you get pushed around in a stroller or cart
-wearing a cape or a tutu to the grocery store will have all of the other kids jealous and the adults gushing over how cute you look
-you feel great in a swim suit
-if you strip down to next to nothing and water your front lawn, your neighbors will just assume you are slightly senile
-you can say pretty much whatever you want, and people will excuse it because you are old and probably a little crazy
-you can live in exclusive communities that are not all that different from summer camp, where they have organized activities all the time like bingo and water aerobics
-since no one wants to wait for you to walk from point A to point B, and your legs would get too tired anyway, you get to drive around one of those cool little scooters
-if you are dirty or unkempt it's probably because either you're crazy or you're kids don't take good care of you... it's not your fault
-you can go to the salon and get your hair styled once a week, and never touch it in between
-if you go to the grocery store wearing something ridiculously sequined, a large decorated hat or anything with huge floral print all of the other old people will be jealous and the clerk will probably comment on how nice you look
-you couldn't care less what you look like in a bathing suit
I guess being old and being young actually have some striking resemblences, the unfair thing is, right now as a twenty five year old, I would love to do pretty much anything on either one of these lists. Unfortunately, for some reason, people just wouldn't find it socially acceptable. So I'll say it one more time, Kids and Old People have all the luck!!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I'm just going to come out and say it, I love bald men. I think bald heads are sexy. My last boyfriend was (well still is) bald, as well as my last two crushes before him. He was the first bald guy I actually dated, instead of just admiring from afar, and I have to say I'm hooked! I've been thinking about just why I'm into bald heads, and I've developed a quick list of reasons!
1. I am a hair stylist, and I don't want to deal with anymore hair when I get home. It's bad enough that I have to do my own hair everyday!
2. Bald men don't have hair to hide behind, which means to be bald they need to have a nicely shaped head, as well as strong features to look good. A good looking bald man always has a good face
3. They are more confident. I mean it's kind of a stressful thing for a guy to lose his hair, so the ones that just embrace it and shave what is on their head show they are confident enough to just go with it.
4. It's like seeing a girl without her makeup. You know if you stay with a guy long enough they are more than likely going to lose the hair eventually. By choosing one that is already bald, it eliminates the element of surprise, you already know they look good, no surprise bumps or divots!
5. Last but not least. Liking bald men doesn't really eliminate anyone. If I only liked men with a thick head of hair, I would be eliminated all of the hot bald guys, but anyone can be bald! All you need is a razor!!
So here's to male pattern baldness, forget Rogaine, stop thinking about hair club for men. You look good just the way you are!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Last Friday was a gorgeous day outside, so I decided to fore go my trip to the gym and take a ride on my bike. It's time to start training for Iron girl, and my bike was getting a little dusty in my garage! I was on about mile 10 of my ride, heading down twain, which is always my favorite part of this particular path because it's down hill. I put my bike in high gear and was cruising home, when suddenly I heard a police siren behind me. Just a short little siren, I looked around and thought to myself "hmmm, wonder who he's pulling over, there are no cars around". Just then he pulled up next to me and motioned for ME to pull over! I was thinking maybe he noticed something wrong with my bike, so I quickly obliged. And this is how the rest of the conversation went...
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me:(somewhat proudly) I checked a second ago and I think I was up around 20mph!
Officer: This is a school zone, the speed limit is 15
Me: (trying to stifle a laugh) Seriously?
Officer: When you ride your bike on the road you are considered a moving vehicle and are expected to follow all traffic rules
Me: (still trying not to laugh) Well I hope you're not going to want my license and registration, because I'm afraid this thing isn't registered!
Officer: (with kind of a mean look) Ma'am this is serious. I could give you a violation, and a fine
Me: Oh, well, I'm sorry (trying to be humble, because I don't want a fine)
Officer: I'm going to let you off with a warning this time, but you need to pay better attention. If a little kid ran out in front of you, and you were going that fast, you wouldn't be able to stop fast enough, and not only would you probably injure the child, and be responsible for that, YOU would probably get the worst of the injuries... I'm just letting you know for your safety
Me: Um, well, thanks for looking out for my safety. I appreciate it, can I leave now? My heart rate is getting below my cardio level
And PS, there was not a child in sight, not even on the playground. I think he just wanted to check me out in my little spandex shorts...
Monday, February 2, 2009
I've been reading a lot about the benefits of acaii, and finally decided to order some vitamins. I put the order in online, used my credit card to pay, and continued on with my day. About twenty minutes later I thought to myself, "I should go check the mail and see if my vitamins are here". Like they were going to magically appear in my mail box! Ridiculous!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
1. Berries, fruits, vegetables, and granola are all very good for your body. I know, SHOCKER!!!
As I was checking out of the grocery store the other day the very helpful checker, Sonya was very impressed with my choice of groceries. She was amazed that although I had not seen the Oprah all about "how berries are real good for your body cause they have those oxi-anti things, and granola has lots of fibers that help with somethin, maybe cholesterol or somethin" (and yes that is a direct quote) I still chose to buy them.
2. The ShamWOW truly is amazing
For date night last week, Tif, Christy and I tested out the shamWOW. We have been very interested in the ShamWow for quite some time now, and I was given one last week as somewhat of a parting gift. (HA HA) So we decided that we needed to test it out and determine if the ShamWow really was the amazing absorber we had observed on the infomercial. AND IT IS! We actually made our own infomercial, which I will maybe upload at some point. We don't have the cool microphone that the guy on the infomercial has, so it's not quite complete. But moral of the story is that we sopped up an entire pie tin full of water, and it didn't even drip. We also poured cola, and red crystal light on white carpet and it soaked it right up, even got the underneath part dry just like the infomercial! The only thing it didn't come through on was drying a sweater, though I will say it did get it significantly drier. All in all, the shamWOW gets my vote of approval!
3. Chia seeds will grow anywhere
Last weeks date night turned into somewhat of a science fair. I received a chia head, for Christmas, (from the same person who gave me the shamWOW) and hadn't yet planted it. Christy being the resident Chia expert (apparently she had a whole chia garden at one point in her life... AMAZING) helped Tif and I plant it on Tuesday. Well, we still had the piece of carpet left over from the shamWOW experiment, so we decided to plant the carpet with some chia seeds as well just to see what would happen. And let me be the first to warn you, if you are ever planting a chia head, DON'T DROP THE SEEDS! I now not only have a fully bloomed chia head on my counter, I also have a square of chia carpet... GROSS!
In other news...
I have found the solution to my need to eat oatmeal. As you all know, I just can't get the stuff down. What I have never had a problem getting down, on the other hand, are COOKIES! And now Quaker has solved all of my problems, by creating their very own breakfast cookie! It is chock full of oatmeal, AND it has chocolate chips. You can put it in the microwave for a just out of the oven taste. I'm sure it's not quite the same as a bowl of oatmeal, but it's close and only two points on WW if you're counting. Cookies for breakfast... my mom would be so proud!